You know what this makes me think of?
Aphrodite and Ares caught by Hephaestus. Really really really. The sex, the afterglow, the warning, the enprisonment.

)0(

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Cor serpentis sustinet meam animam.

Hullo. I'm not dA's best poet by any stretch, but I'd like to critique this. Remember, I'm critiquing the poem not you, and I'm doing this in an effort to help. It may sound harsh. Be warned!

"We loved like arson:"

Like a crime? Hrm, I may come back to that later in the crit.

"After-sex after-
glow floats around like smoke, and distorts us,"

Is there any other kind of afterglow? 'After-sex' seems redundant. I don’t like the linebreak, but I see what you’re doing with the rhyme, and it’s nothing major.

"restless, and tangles around the rafters,
the room imbued: remnants of star-fuelled lust."

Does the afterglow distort you into being restless, or distort the restless you? I'm leaning toward the second because of how the punctuation reads. How does it distort you? I’m not sure about the last line at all; maybe reconsider it? Hm, not going for iambic pentameter? Ah well. You’ve got ten syllables a line, at least.

‘Restless’ and ‘distorts’, along with ‘smoke’, makes me think of a too-warm, too heavy situation afterwards. If that’s what you were going for, good job! (If not, it’s the opinion of one reader.)

At first read, I didn’t like the afterglow-smoke tangling around the rafters, but now I do. Good job!

"We loved like fireworks, comets and fireflies.
We traced paths through constellations for hours,
across freckled skies, tasting the stars
with every kiss. The night went on for miles."

I know you're primarily using fire imagery, but fireflies are kind of slow and dreamy. Fireworks are fast and explosive. Comets are cold and distant (meteors are hot and sometimes hit the earth as meteorites). While you could 'love' all those ways in a single night, I keep remembering that you 'loved like arson', and it seems odd that you lead with 'arson' and then bring in all these different types. Arson goes best with the firework imagery, but not so well with the others. The 'journey through the stars' doesn't seem like arson or fireworks at all, but slow and loving, not fast and loud and lustful like the first stanza seems.

“Now a cathartic still whispers, lingers”
Still doesn’t quite mesh with ‘whisper’ in my mind (even whispers imply moving air; if something’s still, how can it make noise).

“as the room burns orange in the morning's
luster. The carmine light bares a warning:
To keep my distance, or I'd clash with hers.”

I leave her to draw the blinds, casting shad-
ows like prison-cell bars across the bed.

‘Clash with hers’ sounds awkward. You leave the light to draw the blinds? Is the sex partner’s light the one the persona is warned about clashing with? With two ‘hers’ in such close proximity, make sure it’s clear that they’re different entities, or the same one.

I don’t like ‘shad-/ows’. There’s no reason for doing it except the rhyme, and as it’s a slant rhyme, it seems a needless beheading.

My favorite part of the poem is the blinds like prison bars. I was going to say that blinds are usually horizontal as opposed to vertical, like prison bars, and then I looked up to see vertical blinds, so you take this round! The reason I like it so much is because it ties into ‘arson’ in the first line; crime, then ending with punishment. However, I’d like to know WHY the loving is like arson when it’s also supposed to be like a flight through outer space. Is there arson in outer space? Is this couple having a lot of different types of sex? Enlighten me!

I think this poem has potential, but that this particular one is confined within the lines of its rhyme. Some poems flourish in rhyme, some have to be forced, and some would be better left to unrhymed verse, to more fully realize their potential. I think this poem is the last type; most of the phrases and line breaks that seem awkward are the ones that I feel you’re keeping for the rhyme. Even losing an end-rhyme scheme, I think you could do a lot with internal rhyme.

I hope this helps!

I'm glad to see your comments in my messagebox, they're always insightful and thoughtful. I really appreciate that. Let's see if I can explain myself a bit.

First let me say a few things. I sometimes aim for iambic pentameter, but unless specifically mentioned in the description, I am just going for the looser kind of "sonnet". This is one of those. This was also an experiment to see what I could do with a contrasting octet (I'm sure that's the wrong word...) and sestet, and a symbolic scene. I have to say, I've noticed that my rhymes are forced at time, I'm really going to have to work on them in future revisions.


Arson: Yes, like a crime. The original line was "We loved like arson, beautiful crime..." but I disliked the explanation, and changed it. It is meant to tie into the end, with crime/prison. But moreso, it's meant to suggest guilt.

I suppose you're right on the redundancy of "after-sex". Will definitely have to make a note of this.

The afterglow is meant to be restless, rather than the couple. I've compared it to smoke already, so there I was giving it a sense of movement. I worried that it may have been unclear, so far from the subject, and you've just confirmed It distorts them in the sense that you can't see clearly through smoke, and it also suggests a kind of tainting.

"Too-warm, too heavy situation" - tied into the guilt and the feeling of the narrator, yes. That's exactly what I was aiming for. Thanks

"The 'journey through the stars' doesn't seem like arson or fireworks at all, but slow and loving, not fast and loud and lustful like the first stanza seems." - I was aiming for the contrast here, and I can see it's come out a bit jumbled on paper. The two characters are feeling different things, love and lust, the narrator more invested in the relationship than the other person: who N feels might only be there for one night (like fireworks, comets, fireflies...). Can you suggest any way that would make this clearer? I think I may have to take a break from this poem and come back with a clear mind to fix it.

"Hers" is meant to be her distance. Another unclear image that others have alerady drawn my attention to.

"I don’t like ‘shad-/ows’. There’s no reason for doing it except the rhyme, and as it’s a slant rhyme, it seems a needless beheading." - I agree. Would this still work with slant rhymes, or a mix? That's always what I'm unsure off. But then again, I've made the (lack of) metre my own, why shouldn't I do the same with the rhyme?


Haha, you made me giggle with the blinds comment. And the arson in outer space part. It just proves how mixed it seems to be. Sadly, it is what I was aiming for. Will definitely add this to list of to-be-redrafted.

Hopefully what I've said has enlightened you, but do feel free to come back to me with anything I've missed. I'll be doing a lot of rewriting and editing in a while, so I will hopefully clean up a lot of my writing.

Thanks again, I'm really grateful for your honesty and the outside input.

You're welcome. Everyone needs critique!

"I was aiming for the contrast here, and I can see it's come out a bit jumbled on paper. The two characters are feeling different things, love and lust, the narrator more invested in the relationship than the other person: who N feels might only be there for one night (like fireworks, comets, fireflies...). Can you suggest any way that would make this clearer? I think I may have to take a break from this poem and come back with a clear mind to fix it."

I'm... not sure. I suppose the easiest way would be to set up an 'inside of the room'/'inside of the heart' symbolism, where the arson of the lover burns the heart-room of the narrator down. I really have no good idea.

Yeah, go for slant rhyme. I used to HATE slant rhyme in sonnets, but then I read ~haunt and was forced to change my mind.

the love of violence and sex and the seductive
in words
in writing
shows through this

i felt it

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I love your comments and your textures

I'm glad. Evoking these kinds of feelings.. it's what I aim for.

Honestly NOT the sort of thing I'd normally fave...but this is just breath-takingly good....Quite extraordinary,have to

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You've never seen death? Look in the mirror every day and you will see it like bees working in a glass hive. [Jean Cocteau]

TheExquisiteCorpse~ObjetTrouve*ThePencilClub

Because you're not following the form strictly i would put shadows on the first line and not split it. It's quite distracting as it.

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dAmn writers!

Hm, interesting. Very wonderful. I love it! :>
fav.

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Shh, I have to listen to my brain...

To Sparrow Song:
I don't really think your critique is that great. This is an excellent poem; it leaves room for ambiguity. Good literature is always a mix of skilled wordplay and ambiguity. There needs to be enough room in a poem to make us think. And as for the line "The carmine light bares a warning:
To keep my distance, or I'd clash with hers." That's the best damn line in the whole poem. Try a little harder at understanding next time. As I'm sure Ezra Pound would tell us, it's the reader's job to explain the poem, not the writers. You can't critique poetry like prose; they're two completely different animals.

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Get these gorgons outta my face!